A week ago, today we received the awful news that Kobe Bryant had been tragically killed along with his 13-year-old daughter and others that were traveling with him. Without a doubt our City of Angels lost one of their own and while the world is mourning the man and the legend, the true pain of his loss will certainly be felt by his loved ones and the loved ones of others that perished.
Today I would like to discuss what happens when we are faced with unexpected goodbyes. What happens when we don’t have the opportunity to tell our loved one what they mean to us. What happens when you get home and see the wrapped Christmas gifts or the untouched meal that was so lovingly cooked for you. What happens when you had a pending conversation that you cut short because you were too tired to continue. More than anything what happens when you didn’t get a chance to say goodbye.
A couple years ago I was deeply struggling emotionally and eventually found my way to a therapist. During this time is when I first came to know the term unresolved grief or what the Mayo Clinic defines as complicated grief. I had heard the term before, but to think that I was going through it could not have been further from my imagination. According to the Mayo Clinic some of the signs of complicated grief can include:
- Having trouble carrying out normal routines
- Withdrawing from others
- Believing you did something wrong or could have prevented the death
- Wish you had died along with your loved one
I selected these 4 out of the list of 16 plus other symptoms because who isn’t devasted at the loss of a loved one. Who doesn’t experience depression and guilt? Who doesn’t wish they could turn the clock back just long enough to – fill in the blank? Then come all the memories. Sweet, painful memories that cut through your heart and soul like a dull knife slowly tearing through your flesh. Of course, we feel guilty. Of course, we wish it was us, we don’t need a therapist or the Mayo Clinic to tell us that we are depressed beyond a period that is considered “normal.” We live it every day – do we really need an expert to tell us that?
So, the question is can we ever be ready for a loss. I can’t imagine that anyone is ever ready to say goodbye. However, when you are afforded the opportunity to plan and live those moments to the fullest, I know from personal experience the loss is painful, but not compared to when the loss was unexpected.
In 1998 we lost my maternal grandmother. Her loss was unexpected and although she was in her mid-seventies, I can confidently say that we all still miss her. Just the other day I did the math only to realize that she would be celebrating her 98th birthday this year. We lost my maternal grandfather in 2004 when he was 91. He was not well, but his loss was just as painful. His loss was followed by the loss of my mother in law in 2009 and in 2011 we lost my aunt and my father in law. Both deaths were rather unexpected.
Why am I sharing these details you may ask? Death is a certainty, but I would like to think that it can be as beautiful as living. You see in a period of 20 years I’ve lost 6 people that I loved dearly and 5 out of the 6 were unexpected. I can generically state that I take comfort knowing that God was merciful and granted my loved ones a fast departure. I can lie and say that I am grateful for that, but it is not true. I still grieve for my loved ones and when I talk to them, I always wonder if they know how much we wish they were still here. Then I feel guilty because I wonder if I am disrupting their rest and the cycle repeats itself from time to time.
The difference between those that died unexpectedly and my father in law who had time to exit this planet on his own terms is just that. He had the gift of time. In a couple of weeks, he had the blessing of deciding how he wanted to go. He was able to make every decision he needed to make. He was able to dispose of his worldly possessions and by the time he went we had listened to his stories enough times to never forget them. We got to say goodbye. He got to say goodbye.
When someone like Kobe Bryant dies it brings perspective into our lives. We start repeating that we should all live life to the fullest. We encourage love and understanding, and we commit to exemplifying these behaviors and turn them into action. We come face to face with our own mortality, but why do we have to be reminded through tragedy – I suppose its human nature.
Many years ago, I worked at the Goodwill and there was a lady whose name escapes me, but every day when her husband dropped her off at work, he would kiss her goodbye. The staff would tease her about being in love after so many years of marriage (I suppose you’re not supposed to love your spouse or express affection in public when you’re old). She would always giggle and never really respond further. One day I asked her if she wanted me to intervene with the teasing and she said no. Her response to me was very touching and I think of her every time I am faced with an unexpected loss. She said – every morning we leave our house go to work and finish our day. If I never saw my husband again, he would know I love him, and I know he loves me. Our gift to each other every day is knowing that we did not miss the opportunity to kiss each other one more time.
I could not agree with her more and in this world where time is a commodity that we often take for granted I hope that you will lose track of the hugs and kisses you give. I hope that your memories will enrich your spirit and not break it because of the guilt. I hope that you will have that conversation you’ve been meaning to have. My father in law knew that his last few weeks were a gift and although he didn’t want us to fuss over him, he managed to allow us to be there. He knew that our ability to say goodbye was the biggest gift he would ever give us.
I miss my loved ones, but every time I find a penny or in my father in law’s case a dime, I know that they are stopping by to say hello and yet, I still wish we had just one more day…
The Empowered Crossing 
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